And in todays news..

As most days are uneventful, today has been wonderfully the same.  I’ve had time to get some work done from home, work on cleaning up my house a little, took out a new cookbook and making a brand-new recipe tonight for dinner to be eaten all by myself.  I think I might even make it charming for myself, light some candles and play some jazz music.  Perhaps even open myself a bottle of great wine from my collection that I have been saving.  After all who says eating alone can’t be spectacular?

I do have the babies here to keep me company.  They have been good at that all day in fact.  Today was the day I clean their room.  Yes, they have their own room, including a twin size bed, and toys galore.  Anyhow, I did their bed-clothes and they hate that, so the follow me around like lost puppies all day until it’s all put back together.  Then, they all roll around in the clean sheets like they have never smelled something so good before.  Guess that’s what we do too, when we have clean bed sheets right?  I know I do.

During my alone time, I have a lot of thinking time as well.  Today I have thought a lot about travel.  Since I just got back from my mini vacation to California, its made me realize how much I really enjoyed myself, and how much I wish I could do it more.  I am part of a Meet-Up group now called “Bucket List” as well, and the creator and myself have had some discussion about doing our own “Eat, Pray, Love” scenario and heading over seas to Italy, Bali, and wherever else life takes us.  It’s definitely on my bucket list and it *WILL* happen.  Maybe not in the next couple months, but in the next year perhaps?

Along with the thinking of travel, I have had a lot of time to think of more things I want to learn how to do.  Another one on the front burner is to learn my camera.  I keep saying to myself I am going to sit down and learn it.  Truly teach myself how to use this spectacular machine I own, and I always find myself lost in thought, busy with something way less meaningful.  I look back and think of all the opportunity I have had to take amazing pictures, and I have some to be proud of, but I want to be amazing all the time.  I want to do the project I have been dreaming of for a long time at Venice Beach and take amazing pictures of the homeless there.  Get their stories, and create a masterpiece, even if only seen by my eyes.  It’s a project I have been thinking of since my first visit there when I was a young girl.  So, on my bucket list journey, that is going to be one of my next priorities.  Look out world, Melissa is on the prowl with a camera in hand.  I would love to have subjects to practice.  So, if your reading this, and wouldn’t mind a couple flashes in the eyes, I would love to take some pictures of my friends.  Pro-bono of course, and hopefully you will become part of my masterpiece as well.  All of you have an amazing life story to tell.  Some have travelled the world, some have lived through major catastrophes, some have seen death and come back fighting, some homeless, broken and some have been blessed with an amazingly normal life.  No matter what, it’s your story and I would like to document it.

Yesterday, I posted two of the ten things I am supposed to list to finish the sentence; “I secretly wish I could ____.”  Well here is a couple more answers to that very difficult question.

3.  I secretly wish I could take my friends sickness away and give it back to the universe.  I have a couple very close friends who are fighting MAJOR illnesses.  My life would not be the same without them in it.  The horrible thought of not having them there when I need a shoulder, or someone to make me laugh scares the s**t out of me.  To those friends who I am talking about.. I don’t know if your reading this, but I love you from the bottom of my heart, and I am thankful for every moment I am blessed to be your friend.  For that, thank you.

4. I secretly wish I could be more outgoing and interact with people without feeling like an ugly duckling.

Now, off to try out this new recipe.  I will post my results tomorrow.  If its good, I will even post the recipe itself.  All I know is Rachel Ray is amazing, and it better take less than 30 minutes as promised.

Until tomorrow…

Forget the past, forget the future, this moment is all.  This moment has to become your prayer, your love, your life, your death, your everything. This is it. And live courageously, don’t be cowards. Don’t think of consequences; only cowards think of consequences.

Sometimes great things come from the mundane.  An epiphany may happen, rest, relaxation, the small seed planted in your mind that you need to be better than you are at this moment.  Appreciate this moment, for it is all we truly are given, all we are promised.  Every action taken a cog n the greater machine of life, and the world.  Every move we make, has an effect on someone else’s life, even if we don’t see it in motion.

I’ve been given a challenge to finish this sentence ten times: “Secretly, I would love to ____.”  I plan to complete this challenge, and also actually do these ten things.  After those are complete, ten more.  I challenge you to the same.  Even if you just name one or two.. try it.. Or are you a coward?

1.  Secretly, I would love to be unconditionally loved even for my flaws.  Simple love, without consequence.

2. Secretly, I would love to know how to play an instrument well.

Until tomorrow, when I can stop being a coward of my own, and finish answering this question, truthfully.

…My business is not to remake myself, but make the absolute best of what God made.

 

Today is the first day of many that I will be adding to my journey of things to find myself and better the me I know is inside.  I am cleaning house literally, and figuratively.  After all, they say a clean house leads to a clean mind.  So, I am starting with eating better.  Now, that being said I haven’t quite grasped the will power to cut out all the bad I am doing.  I still have a couple vices like beer/liquor just in moderation and the occasional chocolate craving certainly will be met.  Although for the last few months since I have been living completely alone I have been on what most call the “Ramen diet”.  Basically ramen any way you can think of to make it.  That and the occasional can of green beans or on special occasions, a cooked meal.  From here on out though, starting today, I plan to cook at least 304 times a week for myself.  If people are here, cool.  I love cooking for others, but those times its just me, and the nakeds, I still plan to cook.  I find a lot of joy in cooking, and it puts my mind at peace.  Not to mention food can be and generally is beautiful.  Perhaps it will inspire me to start taking some foodie pictures as well as the landscape and portrait work I am currently doing.  On tonights menu, turkey tacos, homemade guacamole and some fresh greens, with a cool refreshing beer and I’m calling it a night.

While shopping today for the food that now fills my refrigerator, I saw something kind of disturbing to the normal “white girl” in me.  Cow lips… Yes, COW LIPS!  Now, I am sure they are obviously used for some sort of recipes, which I have no clue what, but hey.. Anyhow, it got me to think that I am going to add to my “bucket list” to try a completely exotic and new food at minimum of once a month.  So, I think this month, I am going to research a recipe using the cow lips and call it dinner.  Who wants an invite to dinner that night?  I also plan to start to crack open one of the many cookbooks I cherish on my shelves and try a completely new recipe at least once a week.  Which I will also post about when it happens.  I’m kind of excited really.  I’ve done that a couple times in the past and learned how to make some pretty amazing things, like seafood enchiladas and chicken florentine (one of my favorites now!)  So, lets see where my cooking skills lead me.  Maybe you will see me on the Next Food Network Star someday.

I challenge you to do the same.  Maybe not as much, but try it.  Crack a cookbook to any page, fo to the store, and just may something cool.  That $10 you would have spent on your morning coffee, a beer in the club, or in a machine at the casino will go a long way to something new.  I can promise you it will be a lot of fun too.  Hell, bring it here, and I will cook with you!  I welcome all.

 

New beginnings…

Hello world and hello to a new me.  I have been told on MANY occasions I should start writing professionally, so here is my attempt to jump into the cruel world of sharing.  Hop on for the wild ride known as my life… I hope of nothing else, it will be filled with many laughs, some tears and maybe a couple life changing stories.  Ok, maybe I’m dreaming but didn’t John Lennon say it best: “You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one.  I hope someday you will join us, and the world will live as one.”  So with that being said, I welcome responses good and bad, just do me one favor and be honest, raw, and sincere.  Here I go…

This journey begins 3 days ago on August 10th, 2012.  I decided I needed to make a big change in my life.  For the last year I have been on such a self destructive path, looking in the mirror, I don’t even know the person looking back anymore.  Honestly, if I think about it long enough, I don’t think I’ve ever known who I am.  I have never given myself the chance to really know who I am, truly inside.  I mean, I know I have morals.  I love my cats more than any “normal” person should, and I have a heart of gold until I feel cheated or taken advantage of.  I guess this is hpoefully my way of figuring out who the woman in the mirror really is and what I am made of.  I always get focused on a project but never seem to fully come through to the end.  I am trying very hard to make this journey one that I can see through until the end.  Where the proverbial end is, I have no idea, but I guess we will all find out when I get there.

I have done a lot of reflecting the last few days, and letting go.  Letting go of my past, my heart, my life as I once knew it.  They say that people change every seven years pretty dramatically, even down to the way you sign your name.  I think this is so very true.  I have changed so much over the last year alone, I can only imagine if I really looked back how much I have changed my life.  The past 3 months has been a different me, just in itself.  Anyhow, back to my story.  Oh, did I tell you I think I am slightly A.D.D. when it comes to my thoughts vs. writing so I may be all over the place sometimes and sometimes I may only have short stories to share.  I hope you decide I am important ebough to keep you here to share, whatever the posts may be.  Right, back to the beginning.. I went to California to let go.  I intended to do some deep thinking and reflecting.  I also intended to finally let go of the past and the marriage I had been holding on to for way to long that just finally met its sad end.  My ex-husband, Shawn decided on January 4th, 2011 that it was time for him to go.  For whatever reasons he may have had, I got the final good-bye on the door… Well, all I did from the time he left was think, this is just a phase and he will be back.  On July 28th, I got a text message saying he would be doing some soul searching and travelling on his own and I knew at that point it was finally time to let it all go.  Since that fateful day, I have gotten signed divorce paperwork, and this weekend I took apart *THE* most meaningful article in my house I have ever owned, our star.  For those of you who don’t know, Shawn proposed to me on New Years 2000 with a star in the sky he purchased and put our married name on it.  After we made it official on Leap Year of the same year, we had it framed in the beautiful frame along with our license, etc.  It soon became the centerpiece of any home we lived in the for 12 years we stayed married.  Even after seperation and me moving into a new home by myself, I left a spot open in hopes he would return and I could proudly look at that beautiful frame again, and life would go back to normal.  At least my version of it, as many of you also know, my life is never truly been normal.  Anyhow, I took it apart, and took it with me to the waters of California.  I decided I would go to Newport Beach, as I read it was a beautiful spot and it just.. felt right.  So, I made the journey there, in a sporty free upgrade of a car with a killer sound system.  Thumpin’ and bumpin’ the whole ride there to old school hip hop, love songs and making sure to appreciate the opportunity I have been given to do this, and the strength to make the journey ahead of me.  So, here I am on my journey to the water. To find me again… Once I arrived to the ocean I took it all in.  It was just about sunset, a cool breeze, people were sparse as the day was winding down but the remenants of good times still echoed on the water from the day.  I found a beautiful spot to sit with my journal, camera and star certificate.  To my right a family playing in the sand, and water splashing and to my left a young and beautiful couple, who looked as though they were still new lover’s shared intimate moments and laughter in the water holding one another and kissing, embracing each other as though the world around them didn’t exist.  At that point, I knew it was time.  After taking many pictures of the water, the family and couple, the breathtaking sunset and some random other memories, I took out the certificate and covered it in sand.. Took some final pictures, turned on “Pitcures of You” by The Cure on my headphones, said a prayer and let the certificate go out to sea.  With one soft wave, it was gone almost in a blink of an eye.  To live forever in the ocean, and only memories of the past left, I let it go.  I had a wave of relief, sadness, happiness, and a host of other emotions come over me. I was finally ready.. Finally, ok.

The next two days I spent on the beach of Venice.  One of my MOST favorite places in all of California.  Its a melting pot of energy.  The souls there are old, new, a little crazy, a little sad, happy, scared and some even find peace with the sea.  I walked up and down, looking at the people walking by, street performers, homeless kids and old people who’s faces told stories I can only imagine in books.  I then went to the skate park area and watched some amazing kids doing stunts so seamlessly and with ease, I can only wonder how exhilarating it must be to be that carefree.  I finally made my way to the ocean again.  Picked out my little spot among the very busy beach and pulled out my earphones, journal and pen.  I started to write.. a bucket list of sorts.  Promises to myself to attempt to do things, attempt to find the woman looking back at me in the mirror.  I didn’t finish the list, but in the end, is a bucket list ever truly done?  If we complete it, and everything on it, aren’t we cutting ourselves short?  Life has so much to offer us, we are just so consumed in our little world to notice it passing us by.  We allow ourselves to get so preoccupied with the bad life brings us, we forget about the good we have around us.  So, this blog is one of those things on my bucket list.  To try any continue to write something, everyday I am lucky enough to be functionable to write.  So here I am.  A new beginning..

Last night, I was lucky enough to spend some quality hours with my best friend/brother, Rico and some other pretty important people currently in my life, Tony and Calvin.  We sat outside on my patio, enjoying the night hot air only Vegas can bring.  We consumed way to much beer, and played dominos, sharing stories, laughs and making memories I wouldn’t take back for the world.  I also decided I would start having people sign/tag my patio table as well.  Whatever you would like to write, even if its just a symbol, your name, whatever the moment brings.  Its all about the memories after all.  So, I welcome those who I am lucky enough to have share their time with me in my backyard around my patio table, to sign the table and make a memory as well.  So next time you find yourself here, you will be required to sign my table, so beware.  You have been warned.

I dreaded writing all day, but I knew I would need to begin somewhere.  So I just decided, why am I over analyzing this so much?  I never have issues writing, I just let my fingers spew and there it is, the end product.  Good or bad, its simply… me.  So, here is to the new journey of me, journey of you, our journey together.. Its called life.  So, let’s raise our glasses and toast to saying goodbye… and more importantly NEW BEGINNINGS.